Test of Happiness
by Squire of Gothos
Summary: Rei goes through the most important test facing a human, the test of happiness. Can she, one who is not even fully developed emotionally, face down the test that most of us so struggle with our whole lives? And what does it mean to pass?
1. Infinity's Prelude

Infinity's Prelude

-------

Midday. I always feel my lowest at noon-time. I do not know why I seem to feel more energized at night, or why the moon affects me the way it does, I only know my own experiences. When I was young, I talked with the Commander about many things, as children often do. That is probably why he used me so readily against Naoko. I have regained some of those fractured memories, but now I do not speak of them. I no longer speak of many things, especially with the Commander.

I shake my head in confusion. Perhaps it is just the usual midday blah, but things seem fuzzier than usual.

"Rei."

The class representative is standing there, her usual aura of command contaminated by uneasiness. I do not know why everybody I meet has such a strange and unique reaction to me. With each person it is different, and it is what keeps me separated. Shinji is the only one apart from the Commander who treats me like a normal person.

"Sorry," she is obviously agitated. "I didn't mean to startle you." She is backing away, and I resign myself to the usual abrupt departure and loneliness. She stops, and I am surprised and a little heartened to see her straighten, take a deep breath, and walk forward.

"What are you looking at?" she asks, coming up beside me.

"Nothing," I answer truthfully. "I'm just tired." After a long pause, she speaks again, her voice a bit nervous, probably at the usual tendency I see all around me, where people become uncomfortable whenever they are with another, and there is an extended silence.

"I've noticed you talking to Shinji more these days." She faces me when she talks, her expression similar to one facing a fear and meeting it head on. While it feels good to talk with someone, that little reaction always turns things, making it sour. At this point I don't care. I'm tired, and happy for the company. "Well," she laughs, "more like, I see him talking to you more." That laugh is the first time since she arrived where she sounded natural, and it lifts my mood. The last time someone talked to me naturally was when I met Shinji yesterday during lunch.

"Yes," I agree, when the line of conversation seems to die. She is already putting so much energy into being in my presence, to keep up a conversation is perhaps too much. However, I do not know what to say about the relationship I share with the boy we are talking about. He is fellow pilot, classmate, and recently, friend. I no longer know precisely how to act around him, but he doesn't seem to mind. When we are together, I simply take in what experiences come my way, and so far he has given me too many to count.

How can I say all this and more in just a few sentences? Before I can even begin to try, she has switched topics, seemingly at random.

"You know, you're really, really cute," she is using her hands as she speaks, "a few of the other girls have told me this, before." She is suddenly embarrassed, probably because she just admitted that she and others talk about me behind my back. I don't know how to reassure her that I am not offended, I don't know what to say, so I try to smile a little, even if it's just as a gesture. She appears to calm down, though I think it may be simply because I didn't ignore her or walk away in embarrassment or anger. She closes her eyes and waves her hands in front of her, almost a jerking motion, as if building up the nerve to do or ask something.

"Rei." She opens her eyes, more calm and sure of herself. "Let's go to the mall tomorrow." She has crossed the distance and is holding my hand, as if she means to drag me bodily right this minute. The invitation is like a beacon of light, a ray of sunshine on land cold from the darkness.

"Alright," I answer. "Tomorrow," I repeat, just to make sure she does not intend to take me by force now.

"Really?" She lets go, her expression one of complete surprise. It's not like I have specifically avoided other students and their activities, it has simply been a very long time since I have been invited anywhere. The single exception to this was my one outing with Shinji, but that was something else altogether.

"Great!" She backs up carefully, as if afraid to disturb anything for fear of it falling apart on her. "I know where your apartment is," she says, feeling for the door frame. "I'll be there at eleven!" She escapes before I can say anything in response.

I have never been asked why I do not keep a journal, like many of the girls in class 2-A do. Had I been asked that question, my answer would be simple. My life can be summarized based on the day of the week, and occasionally, the day of the month. Perhaps it is sad to an outside point of view, but it is the truth, and I am comfortable with it.

The rest of the day passes as it usually does. During lunch, Shinji is not present. He is undoubtedly out with the other stooges, gathering trouble. Hikari is also noticeably absent from the usual lunch haunts. She is quite probably out gathering the stooges.

There is no NERV work scheduled for today, so I go home and lie in my bed, thinking on the day's happenings. Today was an unusual day, and tomorrow will likely prove to be even further outside the norm.

Perhaps I will need a journal after today.

* * *

I awake as usual, and prepare breakfast. It is classical Japanese cuisine, complete with Miso, rice, deep-fried tofu, tea, and several other items, but I find myself tiring of it. Soon it will be time to change my selections, as I often must do. It is all cooked perfectly according to recipe, and yet it is nothing compared to the things Shinji makes for me. I know many more recipes than he, and yet what he brings me is subtly different each time, depending on his mood and his tastes at that moment.

I am very good at following directions, but I cannot improvise as he does, and it irks me, whenever I eat what he has prepared. After the meal, that is. During the meal I can do nothing but enjoy the sensations it makes on my tongue as I try to discern what subtle changes he has made to a normally bland recipe.

My usual routine is useless. I had to custom-build one last night, since there is an addition to my normally unchanging schedule. Knowing the exact time I need to be ready allowed me to construct it precisely, especially knowing how punctual the class representative is.

True to assumptions, I have just cleaned up and straightened the last folds of my school uniform when the door buzzer sounds. I walk over and answer it. She stands there wearing a shirt and a pair of shorts that are quite modest, and her hair is done in a single pony-tail rather than her usual two.

"I'm ready," I say. She looks at me, a quick once-over. It is obvious she judges my school uniform to be wanting, but she quickly clears this from her expression, and smiles warmly.

"Let's go, then." She threads her arm through mine, and as we walk to the train station she puts forth much energy in trying to make us look like good friends who are having a great time. I smile and nod where it looks like I should, and try to understand her train of conversation. At places I am able to contribute, which seems to please her to no end, even though I am uncomfortable.

Entry to the train seems to signify a milestone, as if it is no longer necessary for her to put up such a front. Perhaps it was an experiment, just to assure herself that it is possible to talk with me that way, and have a normal conversation.

"I'm telling you, Rei," she says in a more normal tone, "you're going to love the mall. I can't believe you've never been!" This is nice. She is acting more natural, and it feels the same as when I am with Shinji. "There's a ton of stuff to do, first I want to go look at some clothes, then I have something I really think will look good on you." Her sincerity is so magnetic it is pulling me in directions I have always shied away from on my own.

"I'm looking forward to it," I say truthfully. It is not often that I can look forward to something.

"That's great," she says, squeezing my hand. After a more relaxing ride in which she slowly opens up more of herself to me, I am truly looking forward to the day. We exit the train, and she is alive with the need to show me things, and I am almost as alive with anticipation. Then she freezes completely, closing down as quickly as she opened.

She has turned into a completely different person, and I don't know why. I look around in confusion, wondering what has happened. Soon my eyes alight on what I know to be the cause of her sudden transformation. Pilot Soryu is standing there, not a dozen meters away, her expression unreadable. She is looking at Hikari, and Hikari is looking at her. The girl who had not five minutes ago been my exuberant tour guide has fallen from the position of alpha-female. She cannot act that part around Asuka, because that is not how they know each other.

Visions of a beautifully complex day wither and die before my eyes, for I have been cast adrift now that I have lost my tour guide. I look around, and the colors, the flashing lights, the multitude of unknown and unknowable people, it makes my head spin. How was I even walking along five minutes ago? I bump into Hikari, having unconsciously moved closer to her.

She seems to comprehend my problem, and regains some of her previous aura, even if it is only a shadow of what it was. It is enough for me to catch my breath, to look at her thankfully.

"Asuka," she says. It is not a reproach, but it is not quite a greeting either, and my fellow pilot knows this. She also sees that there is no give in Hikari's disposition. There can be none, if I am to get out of this with my foundations intact. It pains me to think that only minutes before I was looking forward to a day full of unique experiences, and now I just want to get back to my apartment without offending or angering anybody. Then something completely unexpected happens.

"Hikari." Asuka is approaching, obviously giving up her position as the dominant in order to be with her friend. It is enough to make me stop breathing for a few heartbeats. For my brash confident fellow-pilot to supplicate herself in this way, it is beyond anything in my experience. I look at her in a new light, and she sees this. Anger clouds her features for a moment, and she blinks. A very slow blink, she is holding her eyes shut as she struggles inwardly, then the anger slowly drains away. Finally she opens her eyes, as if seeing for the first time. She smiles, a smile I have never seen.

"Where are you two going?" she asks. I can sense that Hikari is almost as stunned as I am, but she recovers quickly.

"The mall," she answers with some enthusiasm. Her confidence is returning, and I am slowly beginning to relax. "Want to come along?" My initial instincts scream at me, and I want to let Hikari know that this is a bad move, but I don't know how. This is a good thing, because my initial instincts are wrong, at least I come to this conclusion after a moment's thought. I don't know why, but a part of me wants to see more of this side of my fellow pilot, even while the rest of me wants to turn and stalk off. Hikari sees my initial reaction, and the later acceptance, and takes this as full license to continue. "Come on!" she says, taking Asuka's arm, and we continue onward.

The two quickly find a rhythm, and I cautiously allow myself to be brought into this nascent formation. It is new for all of us, and I think that is the only reason it works. We all want to see something out of this, so we are all invested, each for our own reasons. Hikari-the-class-representative-who-is-strengthening-a-bond-with-a-fellow-classmate is meeting Hikari-Asuka's-friend, and it is something new, fraught with danger and the possibility of an interesting experience. The two sides of her are two reagents which come together to form the glue that brings me and my fellow pilot together, not as fellow pilots, but as two people. We would never have come together otherwise, this I know.

Hikari leads the way, Asuka and I are along for the ride. She would like to be ahead of me in the pecking order, but there is no pecking order, Hikari has seen to that. _This is something fragile, and precious to me. If you break it, I'll be hurt._ That is what she has expressed to her friend, without saying a word. I recognize this, because Shinji and I often express things to each other in a similar way.

Asuka has accepted this, which is amazing to me. I am forced to accept it too, and for the first time I see her as an equal, and she is forced to do the same. Then she blinks, and within herself truly chooses to see me as an equal. Even if it only lasts as long as this day, I see it there, and it brings up deep emotions I do not understand. I know that blink and that look will live in my memory for the rest of my life.

We go to a department store, and I find the experience truly unique. I cannot even compare or contrast it with any previous outing, because my own mindset is so different. This new creation, this group of three that Hikari has molded, it allows me to function around Asuka free of any fear, of any judging, of any competition for who is the best.

She is feeling her way, as am I, and we both are growing accustomed to it. I see her, a true part of her, and I am able to uncover a part of myself I usually do not show to anyone else. I can see the interest in her eyes. She has never before seen anything like this from me, even if it is only a nascent bud compared to the full bloom that a normal girl my age would have.

Our time together is a flurry of activity that I cannot remember in detail. We try on outfits, and model for each other. We try on accessories, and I slowly learn a few fashion principles through osmosis and from watching my two friends. It stuns me that I am thinking of them as friends. For over a month my only friend has been Shinji, and I was just happy I had found one other soul who accepted me. After too short a time, we come to the end of this new adventure, though I was not fully aware of it even when Hikari's phone first chirped.

The day has been like a year full of change, and each season has had its own unique taste and experiences. First was Hikari, and how she managed to invite me to a place I would normally never go. Then Asuka joined, and I thought it would all be over. I was wrong, and I can honestly say that her joining the group added to my day things I never would have gotten with just Hikari and I by ourselves. Even so, when Hikari looks at the two of us with sorrowful and pleading eyes, the bottom once again drops out of my world. Change is once again upon it, and this time I am sure that, despite two previous 'good' changes, this new one will not work out so well. A part of me calls for a little faith, but I find it hard to believe that part.

"I have to go take care of my sister," she says, "she just threw up." She looks yearningly back and forth. "Please tell me the two of you will be okay..." Almost, Asuka comes unglued. Almost, she snaps, and I can feel the walls beginning to go up. I prepare to escape from this place. If anyone questions me, I can show them my NERV ID and get respect and a helping hand. Then I feel a touch of deep emotion, a connection that I did not expect to happen ever again. Asuka looks at me, then at Hikari.

"Go on," she says softly, "we'll be fine." Hikari look at me, and I slowly nod, trusting this new feeling that I do not even begin to understand.

"Alright," she says, looking hesitantly back and forth between the two of us. "Alright." She is more confident now. "See ya!" She waves, turns, and jogs away. Asuka glances at me, and I return her gaze. My lifeline is gone, but now it doesn't seem to matter. I will not turn my back on this new feeling. If it dies, it will not be by my hand. I will hold myself open to her, even if I do get hurt. Perhaps this is what does it in the end, how I stand there, open and shivering, willing to continue as we have been, even though the buffer, the one who brought us together, is gone.

"Come on," she says, threading her arm through mine and leading me towards a different section of the department store. The feeling is almost completely different. She is my new guide, and while similar touches are there, this is a far different feeling than my bond with Hikari. It is the difference between holding a thin piece of electronics wire running between two batteries, versus a live wire running from a sub-station to a transformer. All that power is there, energy that can destroy, held in check by insulation put in place specifically for my benefit. She sees my thought processes, or a part of them, and I know the cautious look in her eyes.

_You've seen a part of me I don't show to anyone else. If you hurt me, there's nothing I can do to stop this from blowing up for good._

Part of me wishes to drop everything, to run, and to let it all explode. I would hide until it was all over, and our professional masks would protect us while on the job. But any hope for further bonds would be gone, irrevocably destroyed. The other part of me, the part that wants desperately for this to work, the part that wants to reach out, I show this part to her, and try to hide that other part. The moment ends, and it is now almost the same as it was with Hikari, though my new guide offers me access to a far greater power reserve. I slowly begin to use it, now that it is safe. Asuka takes me to a place I have never frequented

"I think this is what she was so excited about," she says, indicating the make-up store. "She's my friend," Asuka says slowly, "and I like her, but she wouldn't have known exactly what to do with your skin tone. Come with me." We go to a seemingly random aisle, though I trust Asuka. "We'll start with a good foundation," she says. "For you, we'll have to layer it." She is eager, as if the challenge is great, and the rewards will be commensurate. I am actually beginning to look forwards to whatever she is seeing, with the same enthusiasm I had at the beginning of the trip when I was alone with Hikari.

"Normally they would tell you to go with two layers, but I think you'll need three. The problem is, your skin tone is so pale, if you asked almost anybody else, they'd say it wouldn't work. But I'm not anybody else." She smiles as she works, gently cleaning my face. "You're lucky this store has the widest variety I've seen, because we'll have to start with a base shade even lighter than your skin right now, but only just so.

She selects the one, takes some on her finger, and touches my cheek, up where the bone is. I want to close my eyes and enjoy the sensation, but I must see how she does it. She carefully rubs it in, until it is invisible. I cannot see where it is, and it is difficult to feel it. Over the course of five minutes, she does both cheeks.

"Next we'll have to choose one that's almost the same tone as your skin." She does so, carefully comparing, and when she makes her selection, she puts it on over what she did before. It's difficult to tell exactly what the change is, but my face seems to have more life, to shine almost. "Now, she says, looking admiringly at her work, "for the finishing touch." Her hand almost immediately alights on the chosen color. "It can't be too dark," she says as she works it into my face, "or it would contrast with the rest of you." Her touch is light, almost ticklish as she moves around my cheeks. "Perfect," she whispers, "virtuos..." she stands back for a moment, looking for anything out of place. I look in the mirror, and don't know what to say. The closest analog is to say that my face has the barest hint of a flush, as if I has been running, as I often do to stay in shape. It brings life to my usually pale complexion.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Ach was!" she exclaims, guiding me away from this particular section of the make-up store. "We've only just started. Don't touch!" she grabs my hand before I can fully raise it. "Give it a few minutes, then you can do whatever you want. That's the newest stuff," she explains. "It won't come off unless you use a special cleansing agent. Even water won't affect it!" We come to a stop before another aisle.

"If you think what we just did worked wonders, I've got something here that will really warm up your complexion. We've got to be careful though, as pale as your skin is, even the lightest shade would make your face look dirty. We'll have to use a face powder that's one shade darker than your skin tone, which is no small feat. But like I said, this store is loaded, so it shouldn't be a problem." As she talks, she has already taken a brush and started to work. I have to struggle to take in everything she's doing, and it's hard, because more than ever I just want to close my eyes and get lost in the sensations. "Just dust along your nose and forehead to get a hint of a darker tone on your face, so it doesn't look strange later. Now..." she steps away, as if afraid to do anything more for fear of breaking what she's already done. "The hardest part. Follow me. And for Gottsake don't sneeze, at least for a few minutes while it settles in." She turns to go, and I follow.

"You've got to be really careful here," she says, running her fingers over the selection before finally choosing one. She twists it, revealing a light pink applicant of some kind, and very carefully touches my lower lip. This time I cannot keep my eyes open. I hold myself perfectly still, not wanting to disturb what I am feeling. "Watch me," she says firmly. I force my eyes open as she repeats her actions with my upper lip.. "Watch what I do here, it's very delicate. If you don't do this right, none of it will work."

She picks up what looks like a light pink pencil and carefully traces near the edges of my lips. "Just put a little of this on," she indicates the proper tube as she puts it down, "not too much. Then smooth it out with this." She pulls the pencil away, touching my lips softly with a cloth, then making a few last touches with the pencil. "Hold perfectly still," she instructs. She squeezes something from a small tube onto her fingers and very carefully touches my lips. It doesn't even look like she's breathing as she works.

Fifteen seconds later she lets out a breath. "You want to dilute the color with this lip balm," she explains, "so it looks natural. Otherwise it'll be too harsh, like it's painted on. Don't move." She runs a brush through a pink shade of powder, and carefully touches my lips. "You want to put just a little face powder over what we just did. It'll soak up the excess moisture, so it doesn't smear while you're letting it settle in. It's got to be the right color," she warns.

"The last thing you have to do is put a really soft shade of peach lipstick on over the powder," she says, carefully spreading the color with a very small brush. For a few moments it feels like there is lubricant on my lips, and I am afraid to even speak. Then the sensation fades, and I don't feel any different than normal. Perhaps there is a bit of something, like a buffer again the wind. It is as if my face is protected by a thin film, but it does not feel uncomfortable or unnatural. "Good," she breathes out. "That's good. It's okay now."

"Gott," she puts a hand to her head. "I don't know why I'm even helping you like this." The hand trembles slightly, then makes a smoothing motion, as if she were brushing her fingers through her hair. The little hidden smile is there. I've seen another part of her, similar to several she has seen of me. Each of us now holds enough pieces of high-explosive emotional baggage to destroy the other several times over by now. This is what bonds us. Not in a hostage way, more in a kind of understanding. We each see a part of ourselves in the other.

"You look beautiful, Rei," she says, shaking her head and staring at me. I think it is the first time she has used my given name in a warm way. It does not matter whether that is so. To me, it is the first. "No one would even know you're wearing make-up at all, unless you look really close." She stares at me for a few seconds more, finally shaking herself, as if awakening. "Here," she presses the bag with all the make-up items into my hands. "Look, I'm not running out on you," she says, her expression sincere, hoping I'll understand. "I had a few things I had planned to do today." I nod, simply grateful for what we have shared. "You watched what I did, right? You were in front of a mirror the whole time, and I know you're good at memorizing..." I nod.

"I will remember," I say, just to reassure her. She chuckles, shaking her head.

"Gott. If you really do make yourself look like that every day, I'm going to have to step up or get left behind." This time I know, I can feel, it's not one-upmanship, it's not competitiveness. It's friendly rivalry. Before today, I would not have been able to tell the difference.

"I'll see you," she says, searching for words, "when I see you." I nod. Neither of us know properly how to go about this, and that's okay. We'll learn. She turns to go, her movements full of the state and grace I know and expect from her. As I walk, my steps slow with thought, I too slowly fall back into my shell. I am going back to my abode. My apartment, which seems so much smaller now that the number of people I can call friends has tripled.

As I walk, deep and strong emotions race through me, changing, morphing, mixing together. Some I know, others I cannot identify. I may not comprehend fully what has happened today, but I know it was something big. Nothing will be the same after today.


	2. Hymn of Sensation

Hymn of Sensation

-------

If the Commander paid any special note to the run on the special account he set up for me, he has not indicated it in my presence. I dined with him last night, and the only odd thing I noted was the wetness in his eyes at one point during the meal. He wiped them with his napkin when he thought I wasn't looking, and I do not fully know what this signifies. He was somewhat more aloof than usual, but I am not bothered.

Of the many things I bought, the item I most like is a summer yukata Hikari chose for me. It is dark blue with prints of the moon all over it. Each print shows the moon in a different phase, heavily stylized. As I stand before the mirror checking my makeup, I am more self-conscious than usual. This is the first time I have applied it myself, but I appear to have done it correctly.

I leave my apartment. I travel down the three flights of stairs, and approach the car holding my Section-Two escorts. One is slouched with his elbow sticking out the window, while the eyes of the other eyes have not left me since I exited my apartment. When they are certain I am approaching their car specifically, the both of them straighten up suddenly, tucking their shirts in, making sure everything is in place, as if the Commander had suddenly set a bug inside their vehicle. At a word, I could have their jobs, or their heads.

"What can we do for you?" asks the one in the passenger seat, the both of them suddenly deadly serious. We here at Section Two have no sense of humor that we're aware of, ma'am.

"I require transportation," I say, giving them the address of Hikari's apartment. I feel the need to personally thank her for inviting me to something that ended up meaning so much. They both nod, and one of the agents has already gotten out and opened the door for me while the other starts the vehicle. During the ride to Hikari's a bubble of anticipation forms inside me, almost becoming unbearable the closer we get. Today too will be outside the norm, and this time it will be I who makes it that way.

When we pull up outside the luxurious apartment complex, I get out of the car without even looking back. My escort would desert me only at the risk of their jobs and their lives. This complex is essentially a set of town homes stacked on top of each other and side by side. The entire massive structure is eight stories, and there are rows of doors every two floors, meaning each tenant gets two levels of their own, further giving the feel of luxury. I press the door-bell and a deep twin-bong is audible even through the thick oaken door. Ten seconds, and the door opens.

"Rei!" she comes forward and touches my hands briefly, taking in my attire, and the rest of me in one sweep of the eyes. She pays special note to my face. "That's beautiful!" she exclaims, reaching up and almost touching my lips. "Did Asuka show you how to do that?"

"Yes," I answer, my blush visible even through the makeup. An older sibling walks up beside Hikari, but her once-over is not as welcoming.

"Who's this?" Her contralto voice is demure but disapproving.

"Rei, you caught me just as I was leaving," she says, giving the girl beside her a brief chastising glance. "We were all about to go to the shrine at Nikko. Hey, do you want to come with us?" Before I can answer, the girl beside her speaks.

"But she's not even wearing a Kimono!"

"Nozomi, be nice!" she says sharply, finally losing her tongue. "Her Yukata is fine. This is my class-mate Rei," she says, officially introducing us.

"Pleased to meet you," I say with only a little trepidation. I feel safe with my friend close by.

"Hikari, I've got a formal Hakama she can wear-"

"Hush, Nozomi! Go see if your sister is having trouble, she's taking too long." Nozomi leaves, unfazed by the scolding. Apparently this is a common occurrence. "We'd be glad to have you along, Rei," she says warmly. I smile. Later as we walk towards the train station, Kodama, the younger sister, makes a discovery.

"Sis!" she says, tugging on the sleeves of Hikari's Kimono. "Sis, there's a car following us!"

"That's Rei's security escort," she says, glancing at me to make sure I am not offended. I allow my expression to show that I am not.

"Cool, cool!" the girl squirms in Hikari's grasp, sounding almost like an otaku I know. "Do they have guns? Can I see them?"

"No and no," Hikari says firmly, bringing the girl back into line. She smiles at me and I smile back, amused at the byplay. My Section Two escort continues to creep along behind us at a respectful distance. Actually they do have guns, and have even named them in some cases. I will not correct Hikari in front of her sisters however, that would surely damage her authority.

Up ahead, the Tokyo main line comes into view, an artery serving the entire Kanagawa region. Capillaries spread out, representing the secondary lines. According to Hikari we will be undergoing one transfer before arriving at Nikko, and the Toshogu shrine. The general mood is festive, and contains an energy I have never felt, even when I went out with Hikari and Asuka days ago. At that time I was overcome with concentrated emotion until I could no longer distinguish or feel properly. Here, the mood is not so intense, but it is constant, in its own way almost as unbearable. Not in a bad way, it is simply impossible to describe.

"It's been a while since I've had some good yuba." Even Nozomi's generally disgruntled attitude is tempered by anticipation, and Kodama is obviously as overcome as I am.

"Yokan! Hikari," she tugs excitedly on her sister's sleeve, bouncing back and forth from one side of the sidewalk to the other, "I want yokan when we get there!" She is a child, but in this she is my emotional equal. Only the fact that I am slowly going numb is keeping me from joining Kodama in her gyrations.

We breeze through the train station, Hikari guiding me and her sisters expertly through the crowds. The train itself is rather luxurious, with double rows of seats running along both sides of the train. Inside it does not feel as narrow as it looks from the outside.

"Window seat! Window seat!" Kodama bounces down the aisle, forcing Hikari to have to near-tackle her.

"Calm down!" Hikari's face is full of carefully contained excitement even as she admonishes her younger sibling. "If they throw us off the train, we won't even be able to get there!"

"Sorry!" Kodama sits down and manages to hold herself back for all of ten seconds before she begins to bounce around in her seat.

"Here Rei, you sit beside her." She mumbles something that sounds like "maybe you'll rub off on her" but I am unsure. Judging by outward appearances she might be correct, but if my inward state touched Kodama's, both of us would likely go through the roof. Hikari and Nozomi sit across the aisle, which in no way inhibits things as they are only an arm's-length away. I am able to measure this every ten seconds or so when one of the three reaches across to share water, to gesture, or to administer a casual touch.

Two hours and one transfer later, we are on the train bound for Nikko. This bullet train is not as large or as luxurious, and there is only a single row of seats on each side of the aisle. However, this only makes the mode of conversation square as opposed to linear, since two of us are one row ahead as opposed to all of us being on the same row.

The train to Nikko runs straight into a light rain, and the sky over the entire city is overcast, but this in no way inhibits the general mood. By the time we exit the train, I have gone through a series of emotional changes that have become painful with their intensity. This is the first time I have been a part of a group activity with such a feverish level of energy.

The light drizzle of rain stops soon after we exit the train, though the sky stays firmly overcast. There are no complaints about the two mile walk to the shrine itself, though 'walk' is a misnomer, since we practically jog the whole way.

"This is going to be great!" Nozomi exclaims, looking around. "With the weather, it won't be too crowded."

Oddly enough, the automated ticket machine accepts my NERV ID, deducting four hundred and fifty yen from my special account. A paltry sum even if the emotionally intense train ride was the only activity.

A misty fog hangs over the surrounding forested area as we ascend the two-meter-long stone steps leading up to the entrance, which consists of two uprights supporting a concave cross-piece with upward-projecting ends, and a straight cross-piece beneath it. The pillar supports have a diameter almost as wide as I am tall.

Stepping through the entrance is like crossing a phase line. To my left is a five storied pagoda, rising to the tops of the trees that surround it protectively. I wonder what it would look like to see from the very top, but as we go in to wash our hands and face in the ceremonial washroom inside the first story, I see that the first story is all there is. Sculptures of flying dragons and waves decorate the roof. Asuka's prediction proves to be accurate, for when I run water over my face, the subtle decorations I have put on earlier this morning do not smear or fade.

I pick up on a peculiar feeling as we exit the pagoda, and I realize that the hectic mood has calmed, smoothed out. It has not fallen, it has taken on what I can only call a spiritual tint. Perhaps the word ecstasy is the only applicable description. This sensation, I am satisfied with life after feeling it, and this at the same time frightens and excites me. What lies in store for me next?

A smaller bronze version of the entrance gate separates the cleansing area from the main shrine. White marble steps lead up to a sight that takes my breath away. In the background Hikari is telling me that this is one of Japan's national treasures, but I do not properly hear.

The entrance 'gate' to the main courtyard is eleven meters high, seven meters wide, and almost four and a half meters deep. The massive structure is swimming with uncountable sculptures, and its twelve white pillars are covered with intricate scrolling patterns.

"They call this 'the gate where people spend all day long to look'," Hikari murmurs, touching my arm.

"Hah," I open and close my mouth, which doesn't seem to be working properly. I can see why they call it that. Hikari finally has to take my arm and pull me through the awe-inspiring structure. After that, I remember nothing but a blur of ornate structures, with Kodama and Hikari interjecting facts they know about what we are seeing. It is not until we get to a giant fountain that I come to my senses. It has multiple levels, and the bottom, which I first thought was glittering with some sort of crystal structure, is actually covered with coins of various sizes.

"Sis! C'mon!" Kodama runs forward dragging Nozomi by the hand. They stand in front of the pool with their eyes closed for a time, then each tosses a coin into the water. Twin splashes obscure the view as they sink, joining their myriad brethren on the bottom.

"It's kind of a ritual," Hikari explains, seeing the question in my eyes. "You make a wish, and throw a coin in."

"Does the wish come true?" I ask doubtfully.

"Does it matter?" My friend's eyes dance with amusement as she takes my hand. "Come on, I'll give you a coin. The only thing you've got is your NERV card, right? I'm guessing you don't want to toss that in."

My Yukata has no pockets by its very nature, and because of this I did buy a purse while I shopped with Asuka previously. A very small one, considering that all I need to carry is my cell-phone, my NERV card, and something very special to me. I pull it out, turning it over in my hands. It is a very old 10 yen coin, one side showing showing Phoenix Hall of Byodo and the other showing the bird of legend. The myth of the Phoenix rising from its own ashes has a particularly strong symbolism for me, though it is a secret I keep well hidden from others. Perhaps Shinji saw my sudden interest when he showed it to me during our one outing, for he gave it to me that day.

"Rei," Hikari breathes, looking at the coin, "you don't have to use that! It's worth too much... Where did you get it?" I am too busy struggling with myself to answer. By the very nature of my life, I may never return here. I want this trip to be as special as it can be. Missing out on something just because I think it is illogical, I don't want to do that.

However, I do not know what to wish for. To wish for nothingness in a place and an atmosphere such as this, it seems profane. I relinquish all control of my thoughts, hoping for a flash of something, some wish.

All I can think of is Shinji, and I don't know why. Frustration creeps its way into my thoughts, and suddenly the coin slips from my fingers. By the time I open my eyes and gasp aloud, it has disappeared among the masses on the bottom of the fountain floor. I look over to Hikari, hoping she saw where it went, but she is looking over her shoulder. Sorrow engulfs me as Hikari turns completely around, waving excitedly.

"Oh, hey! Over here!" I look over my shoulder and my heart stops beating for a moment.

He is here. Shinji is here, and suddenly the loss of the coin is unimportant. Was this my wish? I do not know, but it no longer matters.

"Shinji, what're you doing in Nikko?" Hikari asks as he walks over to where we stand.

"Here," Shinji says with a calm smile, "I'm free."

In the past I have slapped him for such statements, but now I know what he means, and I see that Hikari does as well. After a moment's silence her eyes light up again.

"Hey," she says suddenly, "we were going to visit the Okusha secondary shrine, want to come along?"

"Actually I was about to go there myself," he replies. "It's always a lot quieter than the main inner shrine."

"It is, isn't it?" Hikari agrees. She is obviously surprised at seeing this new side to her classmate that she apparently never knew about.

The atmosphere is powerful as we walk along the forested path leading towards the Okusha. The muffled chime of water becomes audible as we reach the forest's edge.

"The river Daiya," Shinji murmurs to me, the two of us having drifted closer together. I only have a moment to wonder how we will cross this formidable obstacle, for I soon see a beautiful red lacquered span that arches gracefully across the rushing water. As we cross over, so overwhelmed am I that I thread my arm through his, as my friends often do with me. I never notice the sudden blush which he quickly hides. It is enough for me to enjoy the beauty of nature, revel in the heavy emotion, and enjoy the feel of my best friend close by my side.

I do not fully remember what happens next, I only know that a distant bell sounds, and Shinji hurriedly guides us down a forest path. Hikari defers to his apparently greater knowledge of what is happening.

"They're conducting a service by Ieyasu's remains." His voice contains suppressed excitement. "This is pretty rare." I know from history class that Ieyasu was the founder of the last shogunate of Japan. Suddenly we are kneeling, and when I see those around me close their eyes, I close mine.

The deep atmosphere of peace, the silence both inside and out, the knowledge that the one most precious to me is on my right, his knee almost touching mine, it moves something in me I can neither touch nor describe. I do not know how much time passes, but when I come to myself, my face is wet and there is a warmth on my head. I am startled momentarily, and open my eyes.

Tear lines are still moist on my face as I look up at the kindly priest in front of me. His hand is light and warm on my head, and he is smiling. Does he know about my situation? Does he know what I am? If he knew, would he still behave the same?


	3. Expression of Feeling

Expression of Feeling

The walk back to the main concourse is quiet, and the atmosphere is reverent. I'm glad that nobody has asked me about my tears, for they are a mystery to me as well. When we got up after the ceremony, and I was wiping my face dry, Hikari touched me for a moment, and gave me an unreadable look, while the others stood back respectfully. I'm afraid to ask what my friends are thinking, even though I very much want to know.

The passing of the sights in reverse order of when I saw them sets off a chain of emotions in me. With each sight, I remember what I felt only hours ago. Everything I have seen, everything I have experienced and felt is so different from my past that I no longer know how to act, or how to hold myself. I am extremely self-conscious and embarrassed, and at the same time happy and full.

Going down the long stone steps out of the shrine, the lightheaded feeling that has accompanied me throughout the trip becomes stronger. I stumble, and Shinji catches me before I can lose my footing.

"Rei!" Hikari's worried expression floats into view. "I'm sorry, I didn't even think. This is more than you usually do, more than you've ever done..."

"I've missed my usual mid-day meal, that's all," I say in reassurance, using the support of my two friends to safely navigate the remaining steps. That is not all, but there is no need to worry them. I briefly wonder if the concentration of emotions I have experienced the past few days has used more physical energy than simply staying in my apartment would have. Undoubtedly it has, but I have no empirical data.

"We gonna eat?" Kodama bounces around excitedly, grabbing onto Hikari's other hand. "Sis, we gonna eat?"

"Yeah." She smiles, releasing the girl's hand so she can go torture her other sister.

"Hey, we're gonna eat...!" the girl yells, her voice diminishing as she runs back.

"I heard!" Nozomi snaps, her voice also distant.

The place we are going is apparently one Hikari and her sisters frequent on trips such as these, for Kodama runs ahead, pushing open the door of a small quaint shop. We arrive soon after, and I see that the primary seating for this establishment is at the long bar that extends from the far wall forming three sides of a large square. There are a half dozen small circular tables scattered about, but these are all filled. In any case, the others find places at the bar, and I join them, hesitantly sitting beside Shinji. While it is dark, and I am dressed as most of the other patrons here, I am attracting many stares. I know from experience this is either because of my hair or my eyes, and I try to ignore it. This is easy, for I am faint with hunger.

"Red miso with fried yuba," Nozomi says, as she and Kodama fight over one of the menus. There are many lying around, and they both seem to have memorized it in any case, so this puzzles me.

"Yokan!" Kodama exclaims. "The chestnut flavor, and persimmon, and sweet potato-"

"Just bring the variety plate," Hikari interrupts, helping the frenzied waiter, "it's what she ends up getting anyway."

I look at the menu in front of me as Shinji orders, but I don't know what recognize anything on it.

"Don't worry," Shinji says in a low voice, "almost everything here is vegetarian." It is heartening that he saw my confusion, but I still don't know what to order. He turns to the waiter. "Why don't you just bring an order of yuba-ryori," he says, and the waiter nods. "It's a kind of deep-fried tofu," he explains to me. "You'll like it."

When the waiter brings our food, I do like it. I also like the sweetness of the Yokan Kodama pushes me to try. I like all the food, but I find I cannot eat. I have never experienced such a strong negative reaction. I am nauseous, but in a good way, that is the only way I can describe it. Despite my hunger, I barely nibble what is on my plate.

"Want to go out and get some fresh air?" Shinji's expression is worried, and I take my hand from my stomach, unaware I had it had been there.

"Yes," I answer with some relief, and the two of us stand.

"You two have fun." Nozomi gives a not-so-subtle wink.

"Fresh air!" Kodama bounces up out of her seat.

"Stay." Nozomi puts a hand on the top of the girl's head, holding her down.

"Hey...!" The two begin to struggle, but by this time we are already outside the restaurant. Away from the intense atmosphere, I begin to relax. These new experiences, I want them, but it was beginning to be too much. I hope I haven't offended them.

"Are you okay?" he asks, and I realize I have stumbled against him. I grab his arm to stay standing, and brace myself. He might be embarrassed, but I am too weak with hunger to care. "Come on." His smile is surprisingly calm. I know all his weak points, even if I don't use them often. "This way."

We walk down a side street, and within five minutes we are standing before an outdoor eating establishment. It is nothing more than an awning covering a long grilling surface, set against the wall of a building. The man running the food stand is rough looking but has a kind expression.

"Two?" he asks with a smile.

"Yeah," Shinji answers. The man quickly and efficiently sets up an array of bowls with various raw ingredients in them. It is an okonomiyaki bar. I glance sidelong at my closest friend, a smile tugging at my lips as I reappraise him. He returns my gaze with a knowing expression. "I know how you felt, back there," he says, and I can see he is telling the truth. "Sometimes a group can get to be too much."

This is why I am drawn to him. We are very much alike.

He expertly mixes the ingredients, and we share a quiet meal. We are the only ones there, and the man pays special attention to us. This time, I can eat.

"Feeling better?" he asks, as we walk out. I smile, and he holds my gaze for a moment, before turning away, his face red. "I..." he clears his throat, and I wait. He sometimes becomes uncomfortable even now, but I allow for this, since I understand it. "I wanted to show you something."

He stands, and I follow. After a short walk we come to a cable car, which takes us up to a walking trail. Through I am tired and numb from the day's experiences, I dutifully accompany my friend. Trees pass slowly by on both sides as we ascend a mountain path. The air is noticeably cooler when we stop in a clearing, and I am refreshed for a short time.

A wide open area is spread out in front of us, and in the distance a streamer of water diffuses as it falls to the valley floor below. I only have pictures from school books to tell me that what I am seeing is a waterfall. The beauty of the scene is blanketed by all that has happened, and by the underlying tiredness that is beginning to cover me like a cloak, though I know I will remember it with pleasure later. This place undoubtedly means a great deal to Shinji, and it gladdens me that he is sharing it.

No words are uttered during the time we stand watching the water drift downwards. When he moves, turning to go, I follow. On the trail back to the bus station, I manage not to stumble, through my limbs are heavy with fatigue. I step onto the bus, and it has never felt so good to sit down and rest. There are only two others on the bus. I look around, noticing for the first time the Shinji is not beside me, and I begin to panic.

"Here."

I jump when someone slips something warm into my hands. Green tea, in a disposable bamboo cup. I lift the beverage, casting a thankful glance in Shinji's direction as he sits down. Moments later I lower the cup, holding it loosely as I lean my head back against the thinly padded seat.

It's been a long day, and I am beginning to feel the same cloudiness of thought I felt before Hikari asked me to go to the mall a day ago. It is a comfortable feeling, one of approaching nothingness. The duality of wanting to embrace the nothingness and at the same time wishing to stay a little longer in the sea of emotion is a pleasant battle that I know I will continue to fight for the foreseeable future.

Visions of what might await me over the course of my remaining life-span dance through my head, and I close my eyes, welcoming them. My life is preordained, and the slight jostling of the bus driving over uneven road brings to mind being carried by the Commander when I was small. I find it slightly amusing that wherever I am, I find myself in the protective hands of one Ikari or another, guiding me to places and experiences I've never had before.

My eyes suddenly snap open. Abrupt discontinuity of thought and location tell me I have slept. Formless haze coalesces into an oddly familiar pattern, and I wonder why I feel warmer than I usually do. I lift my head from his shirt fleeve, and Shinji slips his arm from where it had been around my shoulder.

"You," he clears his throat and turns a very red face away from mine, "I didn't want you to fall," he finally manages to say. During the remaining four minutes before we reach the train station bound for Tokyo-3, he goes from mortally embarrassed, to desperate, to sheepish, and finally to an attitude of acceptance.

On the long ride back to familiarity, he is almost normal, but there is a feeling of heaviness between us that makes me uneasy. I hope I am reading too much into things. Perhaps the sights affected him as well. He will undoubtedly be back to normal the next time I see him. I feel strange myself, as if emotionally exhausted. More than ever, I want to go back to my apartment, lie down, and think about what happened today.

We exit the train and walk the path towards our separate homes. During the walk, the conversation goes the way it usually does when we are together, and it is comforting. The intersection where our paths will diverge approaches, and he falls silent. Just before we reach it, he stops, and I glance over my shoulder, giving him a questioning look.

"Um, do you want to come over? I'll cook you something."

"Yes."

My answer is without hesitation, and he appears relieved, as if this were some hurdle. I do not know his thoughts, but for me, no matter my mental state, spending time with him is more pleasant than being alone.

* * *

Shinji palms open the door, and I pause at the sudden sheer terror that crosses his expression

"Mi-Misato! Weren't you supposed to have night-shift? Not that it matters or anything-!"

"I traded with Shigeru," Misato's bouncing voice washes over me as I walk through the door. Her eyes alight on me, and she homes in immediately. "Oh wow, you look _pretty_, Rei." She turns to Shinji, who is trying to edge his way to the kitchen. "Shinji, doesn't she look _pretty_?" I touch my face, realizing the decorations are still there.

"Misato..." Shinji says, warning in his tone.

"Don't worry," she says cheerfully, bouncing over to where he is standing. She extricates some sort of small plastic package from her person which she tries to force into his hands. His eyes bulge.

"-aaack!" he jumps away desperately. "That, that's-!"

"Now remember, Shinji," Misato continues in a mothering tone, "if it's her first time, you have to be gentle-"

"Gyaah!"

He drives her into her room, where she collapses into a fit of giggles, which are audible even after he slams the door. He leans back against the closed door, letting out a sigh and drawing a hand over his face. Although I don't know what's going on, this is undoubtedly what he was referring to when he told me several weeks ago that his guardian was always poking fun at him.

"Sorry about that," he finally mumbles, making his way to the kitchen. I follow, because I know what comes next. At the stove he is like an artist at a canvas, and I like watching him. The ingredients he efficiently retrieves from the refrigerator, setting them out in an organized manner before selecting a knife, the cook's paint brush. In a few short moments his previous embarrassment has disappeared, and his hands seem to work by themselves.

"Is soup okay?"

"Yes."

Over the course of the evening, I am once again forced to note his growing discomfort, but I shrug it off. He often grows uncomfortable over the smallest things, even if this seems different somehow. It is not until he walks me home that I am forced to admit that something is truly wrong.

Perhaps wrong is too harsh a word. He is struggling with something, some decision that he cannot face. Always I leave him alone with his problems, and he seems to solve them, but I feel that this involves me, though I do not know how. It seems I too am facing an internal struggle now. We are at my door, and I am unwilling to let this discomfort hang between us.

"What is wrong?" I ask, wishing more than anything to relieve whatever hidden fear or expectation he has. "We are friends, are we not? Even though I have now become closer to Hikari and Asuka, you are the first. If I had to choose only one, it would be you." My words are sincere and true, but I am unaware of the double implications such a personal statement might have. He leans close to me, and I listen carefully, as it is obvious to me that he is about to whisper something.

As he leans closer, I am reminded of my old science lessons. The human body is analog, not digital, and the majority of the time people use their bodies as if in a slumber. Everything is automatic, the walking, the talking, the doing, all too often people sacrifice their will for a little comfort and laziness. Even I often find myself dazing out, especially during the day-time. However, this is not the daytime. The moon is full, even if the evening sky is only just beginning to darken, and my senses are as sharp and as clear as they ever will be.

Without any warning he leans in. His lips touch mine, and five quick seconds become a full-blown sensory stop-motion experience that feels five times that long. In that interval of ecstasy and shock his strange behavior suddenly becomes clear. He does not want to be best friends, as I have thought. He wants to be romantic lovers.

_He cannot,_ I think desperately. _Not with me. I cannot, with anyone._ To even contemplate such a thing would be unthinkably cruel. Even with Doctor Akagi putting forth all her effort, I will not survive for two months more, discounting everything else. Suddenly I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't think.

"Good night, Rei." His voice is so tender, full of hope, ignorant of what awaits him. All I want to do is scream at him, drive him away, curse the powers that made me what I am, but I cannot. I cannot move, even when he smiles hesitantly, his eyes full of awe and hope. I have completed him, he is happy, I see that in his expression. Eyes that yearn for more. I do not know what he sees in mine, but it is obviously a happy future, a long peaceful existence after we win the war. A future as false as my body, as empty as my soul.

My strength returns to me. I get up, and run past him. From down the stairwell comes Asuka's voice, but I do not properly notice. "Hey doofus," she says, "what're you doing on this side of town? Misato said you were over here-" I push my way past her, making her back up against the railing. She sees my mental state written all over my expression as I pass. "What the hell?? Rei, what's wrong? Why are you here with-" Then they are behind me.

I keep running. A destination forms in my mind. I know where to go to fix all of this.


	4. Test of Happiness

Test of Happiness

-------

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting. The craggy rock structures surrounding me were formed by the impact of the black moon, the one I would have held in my hands, had I followed the Commander's scenario. Tokyo-3 is in the distance, past my line of sight. My arms are outstretched, I am feeling the sun one last time. I'm feeling what it means to be human, for the last few minutes of my existence.

Maybe it's the fact that my body is even now starting to break down, but I feel a sense of unrealness, a little feeling that spoils the experience that I want to have one last time. I wish I knew for sure where this fuzzy feeling was coming from.

"Wondergirl." I spin suddenly, surprised almost to the point I fall backwards into open air, over the cliff. "The perfect obedient pilot." Her expression is stony, veiled, nothing like when we went to the mall. "You took Shinji away from me." Her shield cracks, as does her voice, for a moment. I see what I originally saw, the little girl that just wants to be loved, and though it heartens me to see that she is still there, it does not help me now.

"I leave him in your hands," I say to her.

"Not like this," she insists, furiously shaking her head once, her fists clenched. "Come back and fight me fair and square! Don't leave me like this." The pleading note in her tone doesn't help my resolve. "Don't leave me."

"I have to," I insist softly. I don't know how to make her understand, but I will do my best. To my surprise, she backs up, stepping carefully without looking. She turns her head away from me. "If I stay, everyone will be forced together, forced into something they don't want," I try to explain. It's like she doesn't hear me, and it's frustrating.

"You want to kill yourself," she murmurs, not meeting my eyes. "I can understand that."

If only she would listen and understand, I could explain. It doesn't matter. I can jump any time. I will stay for a while and try to talk to her. Before I can formulate another argument, a rustle draws my attention, and my heart jumps to my throat. He's just standing there, and his very presence can only bring more conflict.

"Don't try to stop me," I ask him plaintively. "Please don't try to stop me." Not even considering what Asuka might think of his presence, I doubt my ability to cogently argue with someone so close to me.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks me, and his innocent words and tone cut deeply.

"Because I'm happy," I say quickly, "and I want you to be happy too..." Even as the words leave my mouth I know they will be misunderstood. It was this that I was afraid of. I wait for more words from him, words that will pierce me like knives, words I have no defense against. He looks down at his feet, completely silent. The lack of response, I believe, hurts worse than words would have.

"You don't know what my true purpose really is," I say, silently imploring him to do or say anything, to give some sign that we are still communicating. "You don't know what I've been created to do." When I speak those words, I cringe, but I'm half-glad that he isn't responding. Perhaps he didn't hear that inadvertent admission.

"I'm not good enough..." he finally mumbles. "I can understand that."

"No, that's not it-" My voice breaks, and I take a shuddering breath. "Just... kill all the Angels, and you will be safe," I say quickly, while he might be listening. "As long as the Commander does not find my body within one week, everything will be alright." The words are like ashes in my mouth. On some level, he is right. If he were 'good enough', if I truly loved him as he loved me, why not keep going no matter what difficulties lie ahead? He doesn't know that in this case the difficulty is the mere dissolution of the world's population into telepathic slush. He doesn't know, and I can't articulate it to him in my current state. I don't know if I ever can. Even so, I must try, if only to prove that I do love him in my own way. Before I can open my mouth, I feel a soft touch on my back.

"Why are you all doing this to her?" Hikari is beside me, facing down the two in front of me. She turns to look at me, and the wish to understand is like an oasis, but only for a moment. "I'll admit, I'm afraid," she speaks hesitantly. "I don't know everything that's going on, but I know-"

"Let me explain...!" I implore her.

"No, it's okay!" she speaks quickly. "I realized something like this would probably happen eventually. I mean, you work with classified stuff." She looks away, swiping at the wetness at the edges of her eyes. "It's best I don't know," she mumbles sadly. "It just happened... sooner than I thought it would. I trust you, Rei!" she says suddenly, putting a hand on my shoulder, and forcing herself to look me in the eyes. "Whatever it is you know you need to do, I trust you."

She turns to go, her hand sliding from my shoulder, and I find myself lost and dazed. I know what I have to do, but the feelings I sought after are harming me, pushing me away from what I know is right. The other two turn and follow Hikari, and it is more than I can bear.

"No," I call, jogging after them, but I can't seem to catch up. "Don't leave me! Please..." My voice falters as I feel the intense irony in what I'm saying. "Please don't leave me," I finally whisper, falling to my hands and knees on the ground.

I want to follow them, beg them to stay with me to the end, but I can't. They're okay with this, each in their own way. So they misunderstood. It's okay, as long as they accept things. I may live on in their minds, fractured, incomplete, but I'm doing the right things here.

I'm convincing no one, least of all myself. I pick myself up, and turn, walking towards the cliff's edge.

_My permanent death here will prevent suffering for them later._ I carry this thought along, pushing myself onward. My steps turn from a walk, to a jog, and finally to a run, and I jump out into the open air, consigning myself to gravity.

Now free from the decision, now that it has been made, I have time to regret, to think, to remember. I remember the bad parts of my recent experience along with the good. Still, I am happy, I think. I made happy memories with my friends, for a short time. But that is over now, and the happiness only remains in my memory. Were I to live on, that memory would fade. Tears well from my eyes into the slipstream of my descent.

After a few moments, the rushing air's caress dries my tears, and enfolds me in an uncaring yet somehow comforting embrace. I slowly come to the realization that I did not find happiness with them externally, but the happiness came from within me. It is illogical, yet it has to be so. Illogical, because that could mean I could be happy at any time, regardless of the circumstances. It doesn't seem fair, but then neither does my desperate sadness. We did not go out and find happiness, Hikari and I. We generated it in ourselves.

The ground is undoubtedly near, and I laugh, a single brief explosion of air, soon dissolved in the rushing wind around me. It is ironic that such a momentous realization will only last as long as my journey. The feeling of laughter is strange, it provides a release to my emotions. It finally dawns on me, in the core of my being, that I am surely about to die. The one who was always denied death, who was always promised nothingness with a price, is about to get it free of charge. I laugh until tears again stream from my eyes. I close them, and wait for the final impact.

An abrupt change of direction startles me, but before I can gasp with surprise I realize it was not caused by the ground. I find myself suddenly borne up by safe strong arms.

As I and my savior rise up into the night sky, the three figures toiling along the ground below grow smaller with distance. The entire scene becomes like a matte painting, and I find myself shivering, though I can't seem to feel the wind anymore. The one carrying me pulls me closer, her hand on my head, her voice a soft lull in my ear.

"Sssh. Be happy, child, you passed the test. I can take you from this place. You won't die here."

It is Yui. I don't know how or why, but I know it's her.

"Was..." I find it difficult to control the shaking in my voice. "Was it real?" Yui doesn't answer. Her embrace is comforting, something I have rarely felt in my short lonely life. It is beginning to dawn on me that what I experienced must have been Instrumentality. I am inside Unit-01, somehow, though I don't feel Shinji. How is it that he is not in the Eva?

"Did the others see or experience any part of what I experienced?" I ask, even if she doesn't seem to be replying.

"That is for them to tell you," Yui finally answers, "the next time you see them."

"When will I see them?" I ask, experiencing a hope I rarely feel.

"That I do not know, but I promise you will. Be happy."

"How can I be happy," I protest, "not even knowing if it was in any way real?"

"I doubt anyone has ever told you this," Yui says with a chuckle, "but happiness comes from here." She touches my chest with a phantom hand. I fall silent. Even if no one told me that, I realized it during the fall. It shames me that I forgot it so quickly. I finally speak again, even though I feel as if I know the answer. Even thought the answer brings me sadness at lost opportunities.

"What I did with Asuka, with Shinji, could any of that have happened, in real life? If I had done... could..."

"Of course, child," Yui whispers. "Any of it could have happened."

I know I will have a lot to think about, whatever else may be in store for me. I appears I will have plenty of time to think.

It doesn't matter. All I can do now is travel the stars with Yui, and wait for the day when Shinji, and many others, will join us.


End file.
